tahlia’s blog

we went to best buy last night to get bruno a new xbox. his broke when we moved so i got him one for xmas which also was broken when he first used it. apparently there was a recall and no best buy had them, so waited until yesterday. i got the biggest loser workout dvd. bruno actually got it to for me. while i was looking for the dvd some guy who worked there, david, called my name and when i looked up i had no idea who he was. he said" im in your class, you TA for me". i asked him if he was in my TA class that i teach he said no, but he was in the main lecture. made me kind of happy to be known as a ta. its silly i know, but made me happy. 

I worked out for a bit which made me very happy. I'm in a better mood when i work out. In a healthy mood i went shopping at walmart for this week's food. I got alot of nice stuff, but i spent $108.00. I'm hoping most of it last longer then a week, more like two. I think it will, its alot of food just for bruno and me.  I need to stay on top of my bills. I might ask paul for more hours at work, 7-11. four hours 4 x 9.50 = 38 extra dollars a week, which is what i can use for my weekly spending money. Then i can deposit my check in the bank for my bank for bills/food shopping. I am going to cancel my text messages with verizon to save an extra 15.00 a month on that bill. im BROKE. but its okay, once i graduate i can get a better paying job. hopefully. 

im just killing time before i work out. not in the mood. but i kind of want to. I did good this week on my diet, im proud. I'm going to go shopping tomorrow morning for more healthy food for the week. Also I realized I ended up with alot more money this week then normal becuase I didnt order food at work and I didnt waste money on cigs. Yesterday I did. Bothers me, but i cant change the past. 

What's the biggest leap of faith you've ever had to take?

this is a personal question for me. my biggest leap was trusting that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel; sometimes there is bad before the good, and you just have to stick it out and make a postive effort to move towards the good. 

today was a really good day, despite last nights events. I realized something about Bruno and I: I will never be happy if I feel I cant trust what he says. I trust him 100%, I don’t think he would ever treat on him or nothing like that, but he lies. he lies over the SMALLEST things. the silliest things. being such an honest person, it really bothers me. Hurts me. I can't marry someone who lies. he is a great person and a lovely fiancé, but the lying ruins it. cancels out all the good. 

apart me thinks that I don’t know when to "back down" I don’t know when to just brush it off or to just forgive. b/c I feel so strongly about lying and the value honesty, its hard. maybe because my parents divorced when I was really young, I don’t have an "example" to follow, I don’t know these things. I don’t know when I just shut up or say what I feeling/thinking. its not like to not to say what im thinking, but I think I need to learn. or not, I don’t know, where is the line between compromising and settling yourself?

Bruno acted like nothing was wrong today. he apologized. I apologized. we go so long without problems. 

now for the good news! on Sunday Rutgers has a 1/2 hour free practice gre exam and my prof for my research group said he may have a full time job for me when I graduate! yay!!  so excited!!! I would love to work at Rutgers! not counting my chickens, before they hatch, but im happy. 

this weekend im going out my coworkers/friends. lots of homework. but I want to finish the book thief. 

im sad. bruno. bruno makes me sad. im so hurt and disappointed. i feel trapt. i feel lonely. i feel the tears running out of my eyes and im still trying to understand why my chest hurts, if the actual heart carries no emotion. i wonder if there is a real man out of there for me or if bruno is it. somedays i want bruno to be it, but other days, i dont know. i feel so let down so  sad sometimes, that i cant help to wonder what else is there. the worest part is bruno does not see anything wrong with that happens. he thinks im crazy. yes thats me crazy emotional tahlia. well im sorrie if i feel that if im living my life with an engagement ring on my finger i should be able to be happy with the person who gave it to me. 

in honor of today's beautiful sun i decieded to be healthy. even tho my smoking is down, i want to cut back more, or stop. i bought healthy food and i am about to start my walking on the tredclimber.

i feel like such a failure

So far i've:

this week is going to be crazy.